At first glance, hearing and listening to people is easy. If the person you are talking to speaks in a language you understand and you have no problems with your hearing aid, what else do you need for active communication? But it’s not that simple. After all, everyone is familiar with the feeling when you tell a loved one a burning story that gives you goosebumps, and when you finish, you see a completely blank stare in response. It’s a shame, isn’t it?
The art of not only listening (with the ears) but also hearing (at the level of the brain and emotional perception) is important today. Someone who knows how to understand and hear the person next to him can achieve great success in all spheres of life.
Why Listening Is Important
What are the practical benefits of active listening? If a person sees that we not only listen to him but also hear, memorize, and process the information he gives us, his attitude towards us automatically improves. It’s unlikely that you can make friends with a person to whom you tell something important, and he or she sits on the phone and from time to time answers something like “aha” and “I see.”
Or you go on a date with a man, and he asks you what you like to do in your free time. You tell him with burning eyes that you love to cook and would love to go to a cooking class because you don’t eat at a caterer. He seems to hear you, but during your story, he looks out the window or scrolls through the bet app instead and then suggests that you go to KFC on your next date.
A person subconsciously realizes that the one who listens attentively treats him in a special way, making him stand out from the mass of other people. And we cannot remain indifferent to people who make us feel special. And knowing this simple rule, you can easily find the way to the heart of any person. It doesn’t matter who it is: a new boss, a colleague, a mother-in-law, or a handsome man you accidentally bumped into in the store.
Barriers to Effective Listening
The main enemy here is our own psyche. The human brain is organized in such a way that without proper training, it’s difficult for it to concentrate on one object for longer than 10-15 minutes. In modern conditions, when most of us scroll through dozens of posts on social media and watch hundreds of short videos every day, this time can be safely reduced to three to five minutes.
And if during that time, the brain hasn’t heard anything extraordinary that would grab attention again, it switches to something else. Your own thoughts and experiences, a message on the phone, passers-by outside the window… And already the boss, who was going to promote you next month, sees that you don’t hear him, and passionately follows the window cleaner, and not his useful, but too long speech. And the boss makes a note to look for another candidate. So, how to start hearing in these circumstances?
How to Start Listening?
To concentrate on what the right people are saying and not “disconnect” from the conversation, you first need to learn how to listen. And how do you learn to listen to other people? First, you need to understand why you need it. Every communication with a certain person should have a purpose. For example, you buy expensive training, go to a lecture with a person whom you consider a professional, and you want to become like him. You will probably listen carefully to every word he says to get the most for your money. With other people, the case is exactly the same. Every conversation you have can bring some benefit. Remember the famous phrase: the one who has the information has the world?
Developing Empathy and Understanding
It’s hard to listen to others all the time, constantly trying to figure out what useful things you are going to hear from them. Another excellent motive for listening to the interlocutor is to create close relationships, develop empathy, and understand the moods, feelings, and emotions of another person. Of course, here we are more often talking about family members, loved ones, or friends. Perhaps you have been fighting with your wife for several years and wonder why she is always clinging to you? And when you start listening to her really, everything turns out to be ridiculously simple.
She didn’t need that you impatiently interrupted her every time and said: well, come on, go to the heart of the problem, what there you need from me? It turns out that the spouse just wanted you together with her to complain about how bad everyone around is and she would feel better from your sympathy. Developing empathy through active listening helps resolve and even avoid a tremendous amount of conflict, and strengthens relationships in ways that give and offer to help when they don’t need to be strengthened.
Avoiding Your Own Biases
Sometimes we just have a hard time getting ourselves to listen to the other person. Because “Well, what could they possibly have interesting things to say to me?”. This is especially common in parent-child relationships. Mom or dad wonder how it is that they did not notice that their child was hurt by classmates or a whole year of bullying by a teacher.
“I asked him, and he said it was okay.” This level of formal question/answer: ” How are you?” / “I’m fine” is about listening with your ears. And to actively listen is to realize that your interlocutor can hide deeper information behind one word, which a person who knows how to listen can easily consider. Try to actively listen and hear all people, regardless of their age, social status, and other things.
How to Improve the Perception of Information
Listen With Your Whole Body 100%
When you are talking to someone, all your attention is directed to that person. You don’t just hear what he or she is saying. You are evaluating their posture, facial expressions, gestures, and so on and don’t want to be flipping through your phone, watching TV, or trying to maintain a conversation with someone else.
Consciously Participate in the Dialog
Some people think that it’s enough to insert lines like “clear” and “understandable,” and the interlocutor will think that you are listening to him well. In fact, these words have long since become a meme about how the person saying them doesn’t care about you. If you want the other person to realize that you are interested in your conversation, express it a little differently.
Look at the other person with your whole body turned toward them, nod if appropriate, and express the appropriate emotion on your face. Ask clarifying questions that require a detailed answer, ask to repeat if you didn’t hear something, stop the interlocutor if they get carried away and lose the logic of the narrative, and so on. That is, you should actually be clear and understand what they are talking about.
Summarizing the Story and Asking for Feedback
It will be good if in the finale you make a kind of summarize. Briefly summarize the essence of what the interlocutor said in a few sentences. In this way, they will understand that you listened attentively, and you will know that you understood everything correctly, didn’t get confused, and didn’t miss anything. Ideally, ask the person’s opinion and/or get their feelings about the story before giving your opinion. Especially if you’re not sure how your interlocutor really feels.
For example, your friend tells you that she caught her boyfriend, whom she’s been wanting to break up with for a long time, with someone else. And here it’s better to clarify: she wants you to comfort her and say that everything will be fine, or, on the contrary, she came to you to rejoice because, finally, there is a reason to leave him?
Using Listening in Everyday Life
Listening is useful for everyone. Yes, there are certain areas that everyone prioritizes right now. Are you in charge of your career? “Turn on” active listening when you talk to your boss and colleagues. Looking for love? Stop thinking about work and listen to what a man on a date is trying to tell you.
Of course, ideally, it’s good to listen to everything and everyone. But in practice, it’s hard to keep your attention full at all times. So choose what is a priority for you at the moment and hone your listening skills in this particular area. Learning to hear other people is useful. And not only because this way we can make someone like us or get useful information.
The point is that other people are often a reflection of ourselves. And by trying (often even unconsciously) not to listen to them, we are thus shutting ourselves off from some important information about ourselves. Although, perhaps, having heard and realized it, we can make a decision that will change our lives for the better.
